The Great Food Debates

Opinions For Babies: The Great Food Debates

When we are newborns, we don’t know most of the things that we will need to know. It takes decades to learn the skills and knowledge necessary for independent adult life. Now, it is no one’s fault that babies are born “dumb.” Give them a break. Most of them are doing their best. 

Unfortunately, the job of a baby is getting more and more difficult each year; our collective fund of knowledge is increasing, the complexity of our society is spiraling, the long arc of history is lengthening. As the amount of required information increases, so too does the speed with which babies are expected to acquire it. 

Furthermore, apart from simply absorbing data through their squishy, open fontanels, babies are also now expected to have opinions. They are entering a world of viewpoints and perspectives, of talking heads with hot takes. A world of rapid and outspoken judgments. A world of podcasts. But can babies listen to enough podcasts to really keep up? Can they browse enough Apple News?! I’m not so sure. 

Fortunately for babies, whatsthesitch.com is here to help. In our new series, “Opinions for Babies,” we will offer our well-considered opinions on a variety of common debates so that babies can spend their time babying instead of laboriously forming opinions of their own. We want to help your babies be babies when they’re babies, while also preparing them for an opinionated future filled with adult-level takes.

This first installment is on “The Great Food Debates.”

What’s the sitch? 

Strands versus Grains

This debate has raged for millenia. Noodles or rice? Pasta or pilaf? Bucatini or basmati? Strands or grains? No one said these opinions would be easy to form; of course strands and grains are both delicious in the right context. But, if you have to pick just one? Strands. They are fun, they are creative, and they foster a more contemplative meal than the mindless shoveling of grains. Strands are the superior carbohydrate base for your saucy meal. 

Chunky versus Smooth

Chunky. This one isn’t difficult. Food is about flavor and it is about texture. Hey baby? Chunky, baby. 

Fried versus Scrambled

I think some folks default to scrambled because there is no risk of failure; you pre-break the yolk, mix it all together, and take the safe, secure path to a muddled endpoint. But fried eggs are superior. The contrast between runny yolk and crackling white edge, the sizzle on the pan, the terrifying spatula-flip-moment where your life flashes before your eyes. “Over-easy” is somewhat of a misnomer, but learning to successfully fry an egg is well-worth the effort. Go ahead baby, get some yolk on your face. That’s what adult life is all about.

Burger versus Hotdog

You might be wondering, does the specific shape of the ground meat really matter? And, baby, that is because you have underdeveloped brain that can’t yet think critically. Of course the shape matters; wars have been fought over less. These are the details that we adults agonize over, that, in many ways, give our lives meaning. And the answer is burger. Yes, hotdogs are fantastic in some situations, especially moments when the eater is on the move and outside. Hotdogs are, of course, an outdoor food. But burgers are more versatile. There is a much broader range of quality and acceptable toppings and they aren’t named after our furry best friends. Why hotdog? What aren’t you telling me about this tube of mystery meat? Burger, baby. 

Bone-in versus Boneless

I only included this to facilitate a discussion of the dipping sauce. There is no doubt that bone-in is superior to boneless chicken wings. Again, similar to the egg discussion, a preference for boneless stems from a desire for low-risk, low-reward foodstuffs. Get your hands dirty baby, put in the work; the rewards are incredible. But blue cheese versus ranch? That is a real debate. And the answer is blue cheese. If I’m choosing a cooling, atherosclerosing topping for my fried meat, at least let it contain actual curdled and aged mammal milk, none of this synthesized-in-a-lab “ranch” material. What kind of ranch did this come from? Where is the ranch?! 

Potato versus Tortilla

This one is very context dependent, perhaps more so than any other category included in this piece. Who would want salt & vinegar chips with their burrito? Who would want tortilla chips with their tuna salad sandwich? But the babies need our help. They need a strong opinion to take with them, to support them. So, potato chips. Again, we aren’t debating the merits of salsa versus onion dip (or some such potato chip dip), we are only forming an opinion on dry chip vs. dry chip. And, on second thought, have you ever had salt & vinegar kettle chips with your burrito? Stop shaking your oversized baby head and go try it. 

Cake versus Pie

Pie. Anyone who thinks otherwise is, frankly, and no offense, a baby. The one argument you could conceivably make is that cheesecake is technically a cake… but some actually look more like cheese pies. And they certainly give off a vibe that is in-between pie and cake: creamy, topped with fruit, graham cracker crust… oh baby. 

Dark versus Milk

This is a question of, “Do you like chocolate? Or do you like sugar?” If you want to taste chocolate, then dark is obviously superior. If you want to taste sugar, I suggest candy such as caramel or maybe butterscotch, which are more sugar-forward than milk chocolate. I guess the point is, baby, if you find yourself preferring milk chocolate, maybe there are better options for your somewhat immature palate. And, if anyone asks, I’d recommend the more adult opinion, dark. 

Apple versus Orange

Honestly, baby, this one is really tough. There are good arguments on both sides of the fruit aisle. In order to have a productive debate about the merits of each, we do need to compare apples to apples (so to speak); we will be comparing the theoretical “best” apple versus the idealized “best” orange. There are mediocre versions of each fruit, which we are all familiar with and can all agree are mediocre. Comparing a mealy apple to a mushy orange will end with us choosing not to eat fruit at all, instead opting for some tasty pie or even saucy strands. But, the freshest, honeycrispiest apple versus the juiciest, easy-to-peeliest orange? Apple. Apple takes the day. In the end, in my opinion, it all comes back to texture. Of course the flavor of each is tangy and sweet and formidable in its own way. But no orange can quite match that first crunchy bite from a cool apple. There are other small considerations that influenced our final opinion, such as versatility, issues of central versus peripheral seed containment, regional biases, history and symbolism… considerations that babies don’t need at this point in their opinion-forming lives. Apple, baby. 

Fizzy versus Still 

This one puzzles me. Why is this still a debate? We have the technology and resources to infuse gas into our water, to make it effervescent and exciting, to make it sparkle. And some “adults” still choose to take their water “flat”? Sin gas? In my opinion, fizzy, without a doubt. And for a really adult opinion, baby? We should be making our other edible liquids bubbly too. 

Whole versus Skim

Now this is a complex debate, especially for babies. Many of you are still drinking exclusively whole milk (an even richer version than the kind found in grocery stores). Eventually, if you haven’t already, you will transition to solid foods and may start including some cow milk in your diet. That is the type of milk we are considering for this opinion, whole fat versus no fat cow milk. This is really a philosophical question (which is a long word that you’ll learn soon enough). Do you want to spend your time in the present, fully enjoying the creamy gifts of nature? Or do you want to plan for the future, delay gratification, and live a watered-down life in order to extend it as long as possible? I wish we could say something like:

“Everything in moderation, enjoy whole milk when you want as part of a balanced diet, but don’t completely ignore those additional servings of saturated fats. If, on a daily basis, you enjoy a lot of other foods that also have animal fats, some of the time you might want to drink skim, or even a non-dairy milk alternative (as long as it is free from hydrogenated vegetable oils and added sugar), especially if you have a family history of, or additional risk factors for, coronary artery disease, which is still the leading cause of death for adults living in developed countries.”

That’s what I wish we could say. Unfortunately, as mentioned in the introduction, babies are born “dumb” through no fault of their own. So, whole milk. It tastes better. 

Are there any great food debates that we didn’t include? That you feel babies should have an opinion on? Please send them posthaste to ourteamofmonkeys@gmail.com! Let’s help these babies be babies when they’re babies and also help these babies be opinionated adults by the time they’re toddlers.