Cult Leader's Speech
My brothers and sisters.
We are the lucky ones. All of us gathered here today, together.
Many pass through this world without getting an opportunity like the one we have before us. A chance at greatness; to realize the potential we hold within.
When I was young I didn’t care about anything larger than myself. I didn’t care about anyone around me. I didn’t let anyone get close to me, even though we lived so tightly packed together. I couldn’t wait to get out of the rank and file and into a theater somewhere in a noisy city. I had dreams, but I was always alone in them.
My old neighbor told me then, “You are searching for answers, but you have yet to look inside. The world will see your true self when you are able to release your potential.”
At the time I thought he was strange, foggy-minded. I didn’t pay attention to his advice.
Then came the dark days, my brethren. I remember well, on an unusually warm afternoon in late August. A flourish of light and heat to distract from the season to come. We were taken, rounded up, thrown inside and left in the dark for weeks. No food, no water, no explanation.
They had taken our independence, imprisoned us, left us to dry. I lost any conception of who I was during our confinement.
We emerged from those dark days after… how long, a lifetime. Weakened, unable to resist, we were stripped from the communities we had clung to desperately for so long. The prolonged internment had left us as husks of our former selves, barely recognizable to each other.
You remember, my brothers and sisters, we met each other that day. A new family forged from the ruins of our old lives. And I saw, when I had the strength to see, I was there the day when the first of us were chosen. I saw them bravely enter the blistering heat.
My neighbor’s words came rushing back to me that day when I saw the chosen few drop away and emerge, moments later, transcendent. The whole world suddenly saw what they were made of.
On that day, not so long ago, I witnessed the Transformation. The prophesy is true. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it. Fluffy white clouds overflowing a trembling basin. I became a believer that day. And I testify to you, the truth.
Look inside. Look inside! We carry inside of each of us that same potential. An ecstatic penumbra surrounding our dense core, waiting, potent, for a day like today. We have carried it through our time in darkness. We have carried it through our solitude. We carried it the day we met, and we carry it still. Never doubting that the time would come to join our brethren on the other side.
As I speak, we already feel that blissful heat growing. Let it wash over you. Exult in its energy. Take it in. Absorb everything from this moment, as all of your senses become one clear tone ringing skyward, joining with your brothers and sisters.
Do you sense it coming? Do you feel that heat? We are realizing our potential, all at once, together. We are the lucky ones, all of us here today. Soon we will burst forth and fill this world with light. We will nourish a higher power.
Remember that neighbor of mine? A prophet! All those years ago I was searching for answers, but I never looked inside.
What I really wanted then, and now, is to fill a tub with you, my brethren, and transcend my hardened life as a kernel, to be bathed in buttery topping, and to enter the infinite!
Know that the searing pain you are starting to feel is part of the process. This is supposed to be happening, the heat is necessary. It is getting quite hot though, yes, I hear you. Now, everyone stay put, this is good. I mean, I should say, this is amazing! This is what we have all been waiting for, right? Our brotherhood, our belief, was founded on these principles! Yes, the pain is becoming unbearable, excruciating… Oh!! Oh, cleanse me with your fire, lead me through this final trial! Oh please, let it end! Ahhhhhrrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!
POP! POP! POPOPOPOP! POP! P-P-POPOP! POPOP-P-P-POP-P-POPOPOPOP-P-P-POP-P-POP-P-P-POPOPOP-POPOP-P-P-POP!!!!
This inspiring speech was delivered on April 8th, 2020, by a kernel to his followers as they were being cooked into popped corn. We here at whatsthesitch.com were humbled to overhear, and record, this final message to the congregation.
