Too Much Coffee?

Too Much Coffee?

What’s the sitch with too much coffee?

9:15 PM: Ahhhhh, always feels good to get in bed nice and early. Only 9:15?? Not bad at all. Plenty of time to have one beer and watch an episode of Cupcake Wars before turning in for the night. Maybe I’ll surf the internet mindlessly for a few minutes beforehand…


6:15 AM: Whoa… alarm is going off already. Does that clock say 6:15? Shit, there’s the 7:00 AM thing this morning that everyone is supposed to go to even though only like four people are interested… I didn’t turn out the light until at least 11:30 last night, after which I tossed and turned for a good 25 minutes. I better chug coffee on an empty stomach until I can pretend to be engaged. 

8:05 AM: Alright, not too painful. That discussion was kind of relevant to my work. I know only have such glowingly positive things to say because I pounded that large Dunn Bros cold press with light ice and no room for cream. Cuz I’m like, if I want to add cream I’ll just drink some of the coffee I’m paying for before adding the cream. Especially with an iced drink. You don’t have to give me less coffee so I have room, that’s not really any more convenient for me. Yeah, that was a big cup of coffee.

8:35 AM: This day is flying by! I didn’t get enough sleep, but I actually feel OK. I have a positive outlook on how the rest of my time here will transpire.

8:45 AM: I wish I still had some coffee left. I drank that whole thing pretty quickly, in retrospect.

9:00 AM: Oh! Looks like there’s some free, gritty coffee here in the lounge! I mean… it is free. And there’s even some nondairy creamer to give it that smooth, powdery texture I love.

10:15 AM: I don’t feel so good for some reason. 

10:24 AM: This diarrhea is unusually hot and viscous, almost like it was a normal solid log before I mixed in all that hot coffee. This may take a few wipes.

11:30 AM: Wow I’m sleepy. I thought I had plenty of caffeine this morning. That cheapskate at Dunn Bros even tried to pull the “room for cream” trick on me, but I successfully evaded. Why am I so sleepy? Maybe a diet Mountain Dew before lunch would be wise…

12:02 PM: Nice! They provided sandwiches for the lunch lecture. Ham or turkey… Ham or turkey… wait, is this a vegetarian option? I mean, avocado is great, but a vegetarian sandwich seems a little bit like a sheep with no wool! Or like a clown with no makeup? Like it’s missing an essential piece of what makes it interesting. I guess both were mediocre analogies… probably a sign I need more coffee. I think I’ll take a veg and a turkey sammy, but put the turkey on the veg, and toss the extra bread… I’m fucking killing it today.

12:41 PM: My eyes truly burn. I wish I could either dunk my head in a tub of cold water or take a 45 minute nap. Maybe if I shut them for just a nanosecond, then reopen them, then repeat… maybe that’ll make me feel less exhausted. 

12:45 PM: Hm? What? Yeah I’m up I’m up… yikes. I don’t think anyone important saw me doze-off there, but that was close.

1:08 PM: I’ve technically only had like one coffee today, if I don’t count the late morning sour brown lounge sludge. And truthfully, I don’t need an excuse to avoid feeling like crap for an hour or two. One medium roast please. No, I don’t need room for cream.

1:45 PM: It’s remarkable I’m only just now starting my second diarrhea of the day, what with all this coffee. Not bad at all.

3:15 PM: Just gotta grind it, gotta keep grinding. If I finish strong here I could get out by 4:30. You know… I haven’t even come close to my allotment of Peanut M&Ms for the day, and the orange ones really get me going. Not to mention I’ll chew up a solid six minutes walking to the vending machine and back. I think taurine is orange? Maybe that’s what’s in the candy shell that provides such a good buzz?

4:15 PM: I’m getting that, “last push before quitting time,” energy… I just hope it lasts. Oh! Oh no… feels like there’s as much feces in that push as there is energy. 

5:25 PM: Home at last! I wasn’t sure I was ever going to make it. I should reward myself for surviving that day with a little snack… maybe a fistful of chocolate chips, two spoonfuls of peanut butter, an apple, and about eight minutes with a stale bag of Sour Cream and Onion Lays. Yeah, that seems like a nice diverse combo. 

6:34 PM: Am I hungry? I can’t really tell. I should eat just in case. Don’t want to waste away. Got some leftover pasta here… and some ice cream… 

7:35 PM: I need sleep tonight, this day was too much of a struggle. I’ll watch the first half of the prime time sports game, then get to bed.

10:20 PM: Well, watched the whole thing. Two teams I don’t care about, and not even a close game. My concentration is so poor right now I couldn’t focus on going to bed for long enough to do it. I think watching TV is actually easier than sleeping.

10:40 PM: Finally, lights out on a challenging day. This is going to feel great. Ahhhhhhh…

10:44 PM: Wait, why are all of my thoughts from the day replaying at 2x speed when I close my eyes? Mixing with worries about my future? Forming a tense, coursing stream of anxiety? Will I succeed in my endeavors? Is longterm relaxation attainable? Am I spending my time meaningfully? When will my loved ones die? Is diet soda bad for me? What if I’m wrong? When will elephants go extinct? Why can’t we be sure that we know what we think we know? That would make everything easier. Is that religion? Should I get nicer sunglasses to protect my eyes? But what if I lose them? What if no one cares what I think? What am I so scared of? What if I’m right? What if I don’t fall asleep? How can there be so many people who are lonely? Shouldn’t they all hang out? ‘Quirk’ and ‘squirt’ sound similar but mean very different things… why does that make me uneasy? Did I drink too much coffee today? 




The Great Lakes Nation

The Great Lakes Nation